Why can’t I..

Did someone ever tell you how hard is it to break up a relationship [of any kind] with someone who you really like? I guess so.. but how insane is it to do it because city he lives in reminds you of someone  who was once your all life..

It’s been years since He’s left me but  I can’t repair mylife, can’t feel again.

What to we do in our lifetime to deserve all that happens to us? Is  all bad that touch us is a reflexion of our bad actions in the past? I used to think that it doesn’t work like that.. Was I wrong? Or do some people are made to go thougher and more painful situations. Eh, what the hell.. It does sound like a pitifyl teanagers’ complaining ..

Once someone told me that I’m going to get  married very soon and will have two or three kids.. well  I wish I could meet that person again andtalk about her visions about me.. I’m almost 30 and have no perspective for any of this.  Isn’t it funny?  While everyone  thought I’ll be one of first in the family to get my own family..it seems to be that I’m going to be last one..if it ever happen.

I know I’m in a deep dark hole right now and hopefully with spring and sun I will get better but  today I’ m blue and really not in mood for optimistic thinking.

There are so many people in my life..and so little

Except of my best friend L.[who’s a great person and I really thank God that she’s in my life.. our friendship survived and I hope it will fo many many years..] there is P., my best friend who’s in love in me..[that’s my curse I’m afraid] A wonderful man, careful, tender and the most  unselfish guy I’ve ever know.

There is A., my ex with whom I had very strong connection for many years [it looks like it’s disappearing now] but we could never communicate.. it is strange how two people can be so close and so distant to eachother..

You J., Eh, what should I do with you.. stuff I wrote somewhere above is about you..and even writing, rethinking over and over didn’t give my any hint what to do..

And you.. N. What should I do with you. Beautiful words don’t work for me anymore..not since I’m 19 yo. How should I  believe you when except words and some private stuff nothing appeals that you’re really thinking/feeling what you’re saying. Well. good thing I wasn’t so naive from the beginning. I wanted to ..but something inside told me not to. Maybe it was my instict or maybe just  a simple precaution. Anyway I’m not giving it any hope.

Why can’t I fell in love.. why can’t I feel anything..?

Why can’t I forget..?


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